(Note: mostly irrelevant content ahead)
I was talking about something earlier with my wife, something to do with missed opportunities, I can’t remember exactly what.
She said something along the lines of, “well, it’s what’s made you so charmingly bitter all the time,” in a teasing sort of way, like both of us have dozens of times before with each other.
I said, “Yeah, but I don’t want to be bit—” and froze mid-sentence.
I don’t want to be bitter all the time.
For reasons which are too long and personal to go into here, suffice it to say those are words I would never have expected to hear myself say as recently as two or three years ago. And yet there they were.
All the time I spent as a youth, keeping myself angry or upset or alone for reasons not even certain degenerative physiologies I’ve experienced could adequately explain…. all the opportunities I intentionally passed up to make myself a better person… all the times I deliberately took the troubled path…. it was all a gigantic waste of effort. Nearly thirty-five years of setting myself up to be miserable, instead of fighting to be happy.
Oy.
Maybe it’s only because I’m happy now that I can recognize it. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks that I tried so hard for so long to make myself so unhappy.
Well, nuts to that!
Okay, enough weblog emo for one night. Work is slowing down a little, so I hope to get back to a more consistent writing schedule shortly.
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